10 Things I’m Glad No One Told Me

I love this post by Julie Buxbaum, TEN THINGS EVERY NEW MOM SHOULD KNOW. It is hilarious and right on point. It got me thinking about pregnancy, motherhood and all the things I didn’t expect and didn’t like. It made me wonder if knowing these things would have affected my choice to have children. So, here are the ten things I am glad no one told me:

1. You will throw up everyday.
Thank God for Diclectin. Without it I would have been throwing up five or six times a day instead of only once or twice. I tried dried ginger, ginger Gravol, saltines, and freezies (not sure why, but they helped a little). Nothing worked (and I still can’t touch saltines or ginger to this day), thank god for pharmaceuticals.

2. You will drool. A lot.
I actually had to sleep with a towel on my pillow, so gross. The proper term is ptyalism or excessive salivation, doesn’t make it any more glamorous and less disgusting. They say it only lasts the first three months, but that is a lie.

3. There will be poop. Lots of it.
Poop, how I hate thee, let me count the ways. I hate how you stain clothes and hurt my baby’s bottom. You smell bad and even when they are potty trained I still have to deal with you via the dreaded call, “Mommy! Come and wipe my bum!”

4. You will never fit into your old clothes again, ever.
When I was pregnant with my first baby I slowly put away my clothes as I outgrew them, anticipating the day we would be reunited. Sadly, this day never came. Some lucky size 10/12 lady out there is wearing my old life. I hate you and if I see you rocking my favourite brown and pink dress with the knee-high brown faux leather boots I might have to think bad thoughts about you.

5. Your feet will grow.
I am a tall person, so I have big feet. Before I got pregnant I was a size 10 wide, which was hard enough to deal with. I could still buy shoes in normal people shoe stores without much effort. My feet have now grown to a unmanageable size 11.5 wide. The only place I can buy shoes is Payless if they are feeling charitable enough to carry some non-ugly shoes in my size or online. If I get real desperate I may have to check out the men’s section. Oh shoe gods, why have you forsaken me??

6.There will be vomit. Lots of it.
My children are pukers, this is my lot in life. When my youngest was an infant it was at least once a day, if I was lucky. Fortunately, as they get older it gets less and less frequent. Thanks god for leather couches and leather car seats. I’ll get you for this barf, mark my words.

7. You will be an emotional wreck for the rest of your life.
I used to have a bit of a reputation for being a crier. I would cry while watching AT&T commercials, the odd soap opera, sad movies, and not sad movies, such as Armageddon. If my friends were watching a sad movie without me they would often joke I was somewhere crying and didn’t know why. It’s worse now, god help me. I should buy stock in Kleenex.

8. You will never sleep in again.
I wake up every morning at 7:30, no matter what time I went to bed, no matter how many times I got up with the kids. The odd morning when I am presented with the opportunity to sleep in, such as birthdays, mother’s day, I still wake up at 7:30, although I may lay there until 9:00. I miss sleeping until 10:00 or later, wasting away the day. Being responsible is so dull.

9. You will love your kids so much it will freak you out.
I love them so much sometimes I get scared something will happen to them and I will never recover. I cannot watch any movie, commercial, or television show or hear a story that deals with something bad happening to a child without imagining it happening to one of my girls. I even had a bad dream once about my oldest being attacked by a tiger. It took me weeks to forget it.

10. Your life will never be the same.
At the time I thought I had a pretty terrific life and if someone told me I would never again be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, I would have been horrified. In retrospect my life wasn’t that great and having a baby was the best thing that ever happened to me.